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Jim Hoehn: Music

Ozzie Osbourne Barbershop Quartet

(Jim Hoehn)
Jim Hoehn

It was a hot and humid heavy-hangin' Fourth of July, the picture of small-town tranquility
But before the day was through there was a holiday snafu, destined for village history
The band had canceled without notice and had left them in the lurch when their miracle appeared in highway flares
For on the edge of town a van had broken down, an automotive answer to their prayers
A barbershopper's singin' group was stranded by the road and a deal was made that they could not ignore
If they would fill the gig, the town would fix their rig, but little did they know what lie in store

    The VFW color guard was suckin' their stomachs in
    The high school band was blowin' Louie, Louie once again
    Lemonade junkies got their fix from the church auxiliary
    Red, white and blue beer flowed in patriotic pageantry
    And when the union electrician hitched his pants and hit the juice
    The band began and that is when they say all hell broke loose
    Satanic four-part harmony the heartland won't forget
    The first public appearance of the Ozzie Osbourne Barbershop Quartet

With a puff of smoke, a flash of light old Ozzie hit the stage and they gave that crowd exactly what they'd want
They did you are my sunshine, yeah, my only sunshine, but they did it like the Stones at Altamont
The tenor soloed through a medley of his patriotic songs while the baritone soft-shoed and tipped his hat
In a fit of devilish rage, Ozzie lay upon the stage and promptly bit the head off of a bat
An avalanche of silence rolled across the blue-haired crowd as they sat there open-mouthed in disbelief
And the riot that ensued was on the evening news with Ozzie punching out the police chief
They bolted from the stage and they fired up the van with an angry mob howling right behind
They barely got away with a portion of their pay and two groupies from the local Adelines
Now it's the stuff of local legend, how the singing group from hell was a demon that the townsfolk had to stop
They give their children hugs and warn against the evils of a life of sex and drugs and barbershop